Conqueror ?

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You gasp for air. Then you’re breathless.

Your heart skips a beat. Then it bangs on your chest.

Your mind is void of thoughts. Then they all come flooding in.

Screaming ghosts, that mimic the sound of your mother’s kettle boiling on the stove.

Is this Clarity? Is this Tragedy?

Your tummy imitates diarrhoea.

So many words. Yet none are left.

When your lover.

Hands you back your heart.

                                                                                                                     -BelleAme

 

Grievances to God

Monday October 17th 2016. 2:27 am

I’ve cried my eyes out to God, because he’s the only one I can talk to. I just hope he’s listening.

I’m hurting. I’m letting myself hurt like I’ve never hurt. I need all this pain gone.

See, holding stuff in isn’t healthy, you’ll only end up exploding.

I’ll be 18 in about um, a while. And my life is crashing to pieces.

So, I’ll lay it all down. I’ll tell you what I told God, in no particular order of hurt

I hate the fact that I’m hurting like this, because I don’t like emotions. They don’t feel natural. I was taught to be okay and be strong. That only babies and weaklings cry. Well now I know that’s a lie.

I hate the fact that I’m all my parents have. There’s no one else to be there for me. They’re lovely but they never understand. There’s so much I wished could tell them, but it would break their hearts.

I hate the fact that I’ve been body shamed my whole life. The high school years were hell. How the boys would joke that my husband would have to fuck a stick on his wedding night. That hurt guys, I laughed, but it hurt. They jokes of me being blown away by the wind. Ouch. I know I don’t have gigantic tits but hey, they’re tits. The jokes about my funny walk. You know, in my head I was a queen floating on air, then you shattered the illusion, now I still feel weird as fuck walking down the damn street. Thanks.

I hate the fact that my face was constantly under scrutiny. Breakouts are normal during puberty and even after you dicks. I have a pimple, wanna lick it?

I hate that the people I was friends with growing up are no longer in my life. But that’s a good thing. Because… I always hated that they made me feel inferior. Plus they were older and curvier, so much to be compared to. Till this day when we meet all they ask about Is my weight. Look, fast metabolism, I poop fast.

I hate that I could never tell my parents about the teasing. When I tried I was told to be strong and grow up. I hate that there was so much expectation, I just wanted to be a child, not a prodigy. And, I hate that they didn’t know I would stay in bed, not because I was lazy, but because the pain I felt was becoming physical. All I got was discipline.

I hate that I was foolish enough to think I could find this love and understanding in the men who were crazy enough to find me attractive. I never did. Two of them violated me. The first guy was blood, the next was the first person I told about it, well I shouldn’t have trusted that fool. I never told the folks.

I hate that I never picked my exposure to pornography. I’ll never have the choice to be the girl who hasn’t seen porn, so sad 😦 *sniffs*.

I hate that every “orgasm” I’ve ever had has left me feeling empty and dirty.

I hate that I had to build a wall around my heart to shield myself from anymore hurt. The sarcasm and bluntness is all a defense mechanism.

I hate I left high school with too little friends. See, I couldn’t even trust the good people because of my walls.

I hate that I thought, I promised myself college would be better. I hate the fact that I’ve never been in a serious relationship. Most if the time I’m part of the problem. I can’t commit. I’m a little whore. I always get bored.

I hate that there’s boys who lie that they’ve gotten down with me. You LYING WHORE. I’ve never slept with anyone. Okay fine, we fooled around, you saw my titsL. But I’ve never been able to sleep with anyone. A part of me want to wait for someone special. I’m more of an emotional where.

I hate that I’ve failed to live through college, being so “busy with church”

I hate that my  choices are still based on expectations and the unwillingness to disappoint. Well, here it goes. I’M REALLY NOT FINE. I hate that I push people way before they can leave because see, everybody always leave. I miss my cousins.

I hate that most of the people that hurt me right now are in the church. You’re a bunch of self-righteous assholes you know. Myself included of course. \most of your names have the letter S in them somewhere. Hehe. In case you’re lost, I mean 3C PEARSON. Glad we cleared that up. I don’t like the supposedly 2 hour cells that always end up being longer…..so boring….can’t focus. And the sexism. And the guilt you refuse to let go of and place on others. Let it go. God forgives you for your mistakes, he’s clothed you in His righteousness. Now I’m not saying be a loose cannon but really don’t be a try hard self-righteous douche. Ugh and the endless meetings and conferences.

I hate that I can’t write like I want to. I’m scared.

I hate that I never try because I’m sacred of failing and getting hurt.

I hate that I’m scared the friends I have now will one day spread their wings and fly off without me .L I know I can be a temperamental twit. But I love you so much. Belle Ame is just afraid. I can’t believe I wrote all this :O

*I’ll edit this when the sun comes up and I’m thinking straight*

20 October 2016

And I hate that I’ve never been in love, even more that I feel pressure from society, that I’m 17 and never had real love.

I hate that nothing in this world will ever fill this void, nothing material that is.


I’ll just leave it the way it is. Some guy or girl in some movie said the internet is written in ink. I won’t erase ink, mistakes and all.

Suicide S̶q̶u̶a̶d̶

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The way cashiers react when you want to buy one ticket to a movie like “one ticket?” “just you” you’re by yourself?”. Is it that weird for a probably attractive young woman to go out alone -_-

-Facebook update from January 5 2016.

Fast forward to July 2016 and I still very much enjoy watching premiers solo. Well until a friend suggested we go see DC’s latest release as a “squad”. I wrestled with idea and finally decided it was a great way to break away from my life of excessive solitude.

Before you judge me, let me highlight why I like my alone time

  • Making plans with people is stressful; they pull out last minute, they’re picky.
  • Horrible movie etiquette, annoying comments
  • People see awesome movies for stupid reasons like “he’s hot”
  • Frankly, being alone is relaxing……

So the “gentlemen” she invited just pulled out. Point one proved.

She’s awesome, I kind of love her but, she’s only interested because “Cara Delevingne is in it” ugh. She’ll probably ask me what’s wrong with Harley Quinn.

But, I can’t exactly ditch her, or can I.

Confession…..

My movie going habits have nothing to do with anyone else, no squad, no dates, no on. All the above are excuses.

Perhaps, I just enjoy being on my own far too much, Harley Quinn?

 

Let’s Go Sinkin’

I saw him walk by.

The one who I’ve had half a conversation with. The one who might’ve stole my affection.

He was with someone.

That’s the end of that illusion.

Please don’t ask me why.

Well, they weren’t cosy, but she could still be his one and only. I’d rather not find out

It’s been ages since I’ve set my sights on anyone, and that didn’t end so well. But that’s not the point right now.

If I really want to find out what’s going on, I’ll have to hover around him and smile and giggle at everything he says. I’ll have to anticipate every moment of waiting to see his face. Can’t I just ask straight up? Is he interested or not? Why on earth do I have to waste my time pinning after what might not even be real.

Oh, I’ll look desperate, I’ll come across as intimidating and aggressive…..

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You know what? If a man thinks less of me for being honest, then I clearly need better judgement and higher standards.

So to the gentleman I’ve been eying. Would you like to go out sometime and grab a doughnut?

(if the answer is no I’ll still take myself out for a treat)

Redemption

Queen Evolutis,

She was destined

But lust, had sunk his hooks in her

Through the one who stole her innocence

Every endowment, she’d mount

Wealth or looks. Whatever sex,

Of every fruit, she was willing to eat.

Bar or Chapel,

Made no difference.

She’d ruled, that even the heavens could not save her.

Raging Wrath. Seeking closure. Longing for another

Stripped bare,

Pain and sex were her allies.

 

Haze.

Her body gives in

 

She awakens,

A tiny heart, beating inside her

But no love, she had to give.

No one but herself, she lived to care.

What more, would the masses have to say.

 

“It” had to go.

In a dodgy back alley,

She lay in wait,

Surrounded by the stench of death, regret, and man made chemicals.

A part of her, beauty, is ripped out.

 

She finds her way home.

No comfort. No solace.

Ocean’s  voice still pleading in her head,

A woman’s temple…….

 

Crimson surrounds her.

As the night falls,

Darkness beckons

She makes a final plea to the heaven she fled.

Dear God

A deep breath.

The pain from now and before, gone.

All she would have been…..

Dead.

Queen Evolutis,

will never sing her song.

-Belle Ame

Zerah

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belle ame’s reverie

Sol takes the first peek from his slumber
Dark blue turning light

When he sought his rest
The colours of the skies,
how they danced
But such beauty,
still reminds me of you
Even as Luna took her place,
glorious among the stars
All I did
Was gaze, and long

Like in the legends of survivors
At the darkest hour
Cor found rest
She breathes her last of you
And out she did come
Of her lonely abyss
Arising with Sol
A new beginning
-Belle Ame

The “Beauty” Behind our Madness

More.
He started to feel, not just empty touching
We’re no good
No good for each other
But we live for the thrill of the pain
I belong to the world
But my heart, he conquered and tamed
The real him is plain…
plain fucked up
But somehow we’ve become
Prisoners of this glorious love above the earth
I see the light, the beauty
Behind his mask of nothing
He sees the halo, and the broken wings
Destroyed by the night
I’m ready to surrender it all
He swears I’ll be the death of him
Still he holds back
For the fear of
“hurting me”
Well I call bullshit,
He’s simply complacent
But I want more.
More than his acquaintance
                                                                                                         -Belle Ame

In the words of Abel Tesfaye,  I find the words to tell you that I’m exhausted.  Love is no good unless it’s all the way